


With you, even hell's heaven

by flwwrbys



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A lot of crack, Crack, Fluff, God - Freeform, Gordon Ramsay - Freeform, Heaven/Hell AU, Inspired by a meme, M/M, No Angst, angels and demons except they aint really demons, but like he's soft, dojae, doyoung is satan, heaven action will happen as well!, honestly just a meme, i dont know what i'm tagging, i swear the gordon ramsay tag will be understood later, i was inspired by a meme, im confused, is - Freeform, just a meme, like this is a joke, lucas and mark are his underlings, mostly based in hell bc dojae, n o a n g s t, no he's really cute and soft, oh yeah i forgot to mention, still satan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-06-29 15:20:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15732123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flwwrbys/pseuds/flwwrbys
Summary: Where Jaehyun lands right at the bottom, sees Doyoung and wonders why he’s here. He must be in heaven, because heck yeah an angel’s standing in front of him???Also known as Jaehyun, the boy who doesn’t quite know why he’s in hell.





	1. Arrival

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a meme haha how nice and memey haha dab dab whip whip will kiki finally love me lol please don’t take me seriously
> 
> \+ extra points for guessing the meme
> 
> Ruler of Hell! Doyoung  
> Confused! Jaehyun

 

Jaehyun opens his eyes. He feels like he’s been falling for a solid two hours. What on earth was this? A giant golden scale in front of him, with him decked out in all white clothing. It absolutely didn’t look like something he had in his closet.

A voice soon interrupted his panicky thoughts, though.

“Welcome to The Weighing, dear. Here is where you’ll know if you end up in heaven or hell- depending on your good, and bad deeds.”

Jaehyun’s anxiety peaked. Who was this man dressed like he was going to a fucking greek themed costume party?

“What the fuck is this? What the fuck? Why am I going to heaven or hell? Have I fucking died? Oh FUCKS-“

“Dear Mr. Jung Jaehyun, indeed. You have died, after living a supposedly fulfilling life, hopefully. Place your heart-feather on the scale.”

“I am not dead????”

“Just do it bitch- I mean, biggle buggy bugger.”

“What the fuck?”

“PUT THE FEATHER ON THE SCALE.”

“What feather?”

“REACH INTO YOUR CHEST AND PULL HARD YOU IDIOT JUST DO IT I DON’T HAVE TIME-“

Jaehyun did as the stranger said, his hand horrifyingly disappearing into his chest cavity and reappearing with a single feather.

“What THE FUCK AM I REALLY DEAD-“

“Place it on the scale, please.”

Jaehyun swore he saw all the neck and face veins on the man wearing a stupid white toga bulge and pulse with seething anger.

He obliged, and walked towards the scale to place his feather on the one end. On the other end was a similar looking feather, except it was golden and shiny.

Once his feather landed on the scale, the other end of the scale immediately flew upwards into neverland and his side of the scale crashed onto the expensive-looking marble flooring and caused a considerable dent on the floor.

“WHAT THE FUCK- I mEAN, WHAT THE frinkle farkle sprinkle sparkle was THAT!”

Jaehyun stared at the self-censoring wannabe greeceboo incredulously.

“I don’t even know how to categorise this damage and my precious marble slabs oh shit- I MEAN SPRITZ- this is going to take EONS to repair I-“

“I’m? Sorry?”

“SHUT UP JUNG JAEHYUN DOWN TO HELL YOU GO. LEVEL NEGATIVE TEN. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU’RE GONNA GET THERE. CHENLE, CALL LUCAS NOW.”

A teenager holding a bell which Jaehyun guessed was Chenle, appeared before the greeceboo and placed his bell on the table.

“Jungwoo, why don’t you call your boyfriend directly instead of BOTHERING ME ALL THE DAMN TIME?”

“Don’t be rude I will literally ask Lucas to incinerate your sorry ass?? JUST QUICK RING HIM HERE NOW YOU’RE FASTER THAN I AM OK-“

“Ooh, praise. How rare. I shall call him up for you, I guess. What’s a Hell secretary doing with a Judgement Angel, I wonder.”

“Judgement Angel?” Jaehyun spluttered. He was pretty sure this entire heart weighing shit was a vague rip off of the egyptian goddess Ma’at.

The man, seemingly named Jungwoo, turned around and pointed his scepter at Jaehyun.

“Yes. That’s me.”

A loud roll of thunder was heard and a red bolt of lighting cracked and was sent down to destroy quite a substantial area of the marble flooring.

“MY FUCKING MARBLE FLOORING- oh Lucas!”

Jaehyun just witnessed the most immediate change of expression and tone he had ever seen in his life. Or his after-life, because apparently, he was dead.

Jungwoo's face went from thunderclouds to sunshine and rainbows in one second flat.

What the fuck why didn't this guy get sent to hell negative ten too? It wasn't fair.

"Hello, you called." It was the hell boy talking. He was extremely tall and rather well built, wearing an Adidas tee and some ripped jeans. You know. Like a normal person, unlike Mr-Julius-Caesar-is-my-idol guy over there.

"Yes I did."

The guy now looked like personified uwu and it scared and amazed Jaehyun all at the same time.

Hell boy wrapped an arm around greek uwu guy's shoulder and spoke to Jaehyun.

"Hello, Jung Jaehyun. Jungwoo here has instructed me to bring you to hell negative ten. So like, basically, you're a hella sinner. And Satan lives there. Or Doyoung. He hates people calling him Satan. So just call him Doyoung. Jungwoo's feather isn't wrong, unless you are an anomaly, in which case Kun would have already come for you. So I guess you're really going to hell, mate. Don't worry. It ain't as bad as stories make it sound."

“I’m going to hell?”

“Yep. Hold on, fella. Bye dear! I’ll see you later!” Hell boy blew a loud and obnoxious flying kiss to greekboo and put a hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder.

“Down we go! Kabaam!!!”

Bright red light rained down again, drenching Jaehyun and blinding him temporarily, before he landed on hard ground again.

The air was considerably colder in this new environment and Jaehyun shivered. He seemed to be in a hotel lobby, with nice carpeted floors and luxurious furnishing.

Hell boy was still beside him, finally letting go of his shoulder.

"Doyoung, you have a visitor. Or a resident. Whatever you like more. Anyways why the hell do you need your place to be so goddamn cold?"

Lucas was talking to a tall and slim man sitting on what looked like a throne constucted out of some shiny black stone, dressed in a Superdry shirt and some Lululemon leggings.

And holy shit. The man was so hot. Goddamn. What did Jaehyun do in his past life to see such an ANGEL? He must be in heaven because only GODS look this good.

“Air conditioning is free in hell.”

His voice almost made Jaehyun melt. It was like sweet honey and marshmallow fluff but also like I’m a MAN you know? Anyway did Jaehyun mention he was really hot like flaming hot but at the same time looked like a soft yoga boy in his Lululemon leggings? But his legs in those Lululemon leggings. And wow. Lululemon was expensive (for a broke college boy like Jaehyun!!). He must be loaded-

“Then let me have a jacket?? At least??”

“I never stopped you from getting a jacket, Lucas. Get one of those Supreme hoodies lol become that hypebeast I always knew you would become!”

“SHUT THE FUCK uP what are you so LOUD for?”

A boy tumbled out of a chair (that Jaehyun didn’t even notice), rubbing his eyes that were laced with sleep.

“Mark! You’re awake! Welcome our latest recruit!”

“We don’t recruit in hell, bitch. If you wanna be a recruit go to heaven and be one of those stupid ding dong noisy ass bell ringers.”

“Oh no. Jungwoo just sent him to hell negative ten. Now we have four of us. We can finally host a house party and show heaven that their banquets ain’t SHIT.”

“The fuck did you do to end up here.”

Mark was speaking to him now, and Jaehyun didn’t know how to react.

“Uh. I don’t know?”

“Ah. You'll probably find out along the way? It's kinda selectively pieced together by your mind. Oh by the way the guy with shit fashion sense wearing his fucking Lululemon leggings is Doyoung. He’s the ruler of hell. Taeyong’s the ruler of heaven. So like, some holy shit. Literally lol.

I’m Mark. I’m Doyoung’s assistant. Runnin’ hell with him, all that stupid ass paperwork that Jungwoo tosses to me, all that fun shit. The one that brought you here is Lucas. He’s sorta like uh, Doyoung’s secretary. And he brings people places with his cool as red lighting teleportation shit. Did I mention he was dating that fucking greekboo purist Judgement Angel?? Wtf?? What kind of fucked up Grindr system do they have in the afterlife?”

(YES bitch preaCH, thought Jaehyun.)

“Fuck you, Mark. I might be dating the Judgement Angel but what about you? You’re dating a SING SONG HOLY CHURCH ANGEL BITCH!!!”

“Shut up!!!! Donghyuck is a CHORISTER and he sings for the grieving loved ones of the deceased!!!!”

“YOU SHUT UP! YOU’RE LITERALLY A SINNER DATING AN ANGEL.”

“Stop fighting, fuckers! Continue the introduction, Mark.”

“ Preface: Lucas Wong can SUCK SATAN’S DICK.”

“NO FUCKING WAY. LUCAS WONG IS NOT SUCKING MY DICK.”

Doyoung looked very traumatised at the sheer thought of that. He shuddered and conjured a flask of what seemed like very strong alcohol and downed three-quarters of it in one shot.

Doyoung seemed to see Jaehyun stare at his pained expression, because he quickly told Jaehyun that it was “only his special brew to deal with Lucas and Mark.”

Jaehyun was still suspicious of the liquid in the flask so he pulled it out of Doyoung’s hands and took a quick whiff. The alcohol seemed to fire a cannonball into his nostrils and destroy his sense of smell entirely. He dropped the flask and a clear and bubbly liquid spilt on the carpeted floor.

“What the FUCK was that?”

“Uhm. Only 107.9% lab made oversaturated ethanol concentrate.”

“That shit is TOXIC, dude.”

“Whatever takes the pain away.”

Doyoung conjured another flask up and took another large swig of the liquid.

“Okay, let’s ignore Doyoung the alcoholic-“

“Fuck you, Mark. You can’t get drunk in hell.”

“Okay let’s stop diverging from the topic. Anyway, before you came, we three were the only ones here! How fucking cool! We must have been hella sinners in our past life to work for the ruler of hell himself. Anyway. It’s cool here. You’ll learn more as you go on. You get a job here, too!”

“Cool beans.”

Jaehyun, highly confuzzled and kinda dazed by Doyoung’s extreme perfection (and terrible drink choices), took a seat on one of the expensive looking modern sofas placed on a white rug.

“Wow. That’s a lot to digest. I’m dead? And apparently I’ve sinned so bad I’m working for Satan?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Okay! People introduction over! Now for my favourite part of the welcome party! The house tour!”

“No one wants your shitty house tour, Doyoung. He’ll figure it out.”

But then Doyoung gave the biggest soppiest puppy eyes to Lucas so he shifted uncomfortably on the spot and agreed grumpily.

Wow. Doyoung was so fucking cute. It was at that moment that Jaehyun decided that he would do anything for Doyoung. It must have, ironically, been his best luck to sin so hard, go to the bottom of hell, and end up with a hot satan as a ruler.

He didn’t know how he managed it while he was living, but fuck it, he’d do it again.


	2. Doyoung's House Tour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alcoholism is a Thing in hell. Don't be alcoholics, kids.

Doyoung excitedly hopped out of his chair and started prancing around once his house tour was approved by Lucas.

“I can’t wait to show you my hotel hell!”

“This is so fucking ironic I’m crying-“

“Oh the name has nothing to do with hell I’m just a big fan of Gordon Ramsay.”

"What?" Jaehyun looked at him. Satan...knew...Gordon Ramsay?

"I mean like I'm a huge fan of Hotel Hell and Kitchen Nightmares. But this isn't a kitchen, so we went with Hotel Hell. When Gordon says 'You fucking donkey' I really get hit in the feels, you know?"

"Wait. But this is hell, so where do you watch these shows?"

"Youtube."

Jaehyun took a double take.

“There’s wifi in hell?”

“Yup. It’s fast as hell, too. Haha. Ha. Laugh at my joke, you BUFFOONS.”

Mark and Lucas burst out in monosyllabic laughter. Mark was bending over fakely clutching his stomach in feigned pain and wheezing while Lucas placed a hand on Mark’s shoulder for support while bending backwards and portraying, overall, one of the worst dramatic performances Jaehyun had ever seen in his life. Or afterlife, because Jaehyun was already dead.

“Hahahaha omg. Hold me Lucas I’m crying this is so funny.” Mark wiped a fake tear away from his eye.

“Hahaha you’re right Mark. This is humour. Doyoung, you are Truly Comedy. My lungs. I can barely breathe.” Lucas wheezed with Mark for good measure.

Doyoung smiled delightfully.

"I knew I could count on you fucktards to understand comedy at it's finest!"

(Jaehyun thought that their laughing was acting worse than Laura Lee's apology, so just some comparison for your thought.)

(But Jaehyun then catches Doyoung’s smile- and feels something tugging at his lips. He just barely stops himself from matching Doyoung’s smile.)

Doyoung led the small group to the bar.

“This is the bar, this is where I get my daily dose of the stuff that gets me through the day with these-“ Doyoung pointed to Lucas and Mark, “idiots.”

“Doyoung, you’re an even bigger idiot. You literally spend everyday watching Dr Phil and Gordon Ramsay, drinking your sorrows away and damning people to the pits of Tartarus, what the fuck do you do with your life?”

“How do you know WHAT’S GOOD FOR ME MARK!!!!!”

“THAT’S MY OPINION!!”

Lucas dug his hands into his pockets.

“Jeez, stop fighting. Y'all really be the real housewives of Orange County.”

“Get OUT LUCAS! IF I HEAR THE WORD JEEZ YOU’RE GOING TO HELL.”

"Lol suck it Doyoung I'm already in hell."

"Damn it."

Lucas threw his hands up in the air. Whatever floated their boat.

Doyoung snapped back into the tour, and after introducing the bar, brought them to the lobby and the gym (that really, no one used).

“None of us work out,” Doyoung offered helpfully.

This was comforting. Jaehyun, too, hated exercising.

“Anyways,” Doyoung grabbed Jaehyun by the wrist and led him into a sprawling buffet, “this is the food area! Hell’s really cool so basically you just think of a food and KAZAMMM it appears in front of you. Also did I mention if we all want to eat a certain themed food we can use the buffet!! Where we can stuff ourselves till we DIE!!!”

Jaehyun couldn’t stop himself from laughing at Doyoung’s absolutely adorable explanation and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t even a little whipped for Satan himself.

Mark rose his hand, letting Doyoung call on him like a preschooler in a class.

“Hey Doyoung, how do we eat until we die if we’re already dead?”

“Stop asking me questions you know I can’t answer, bitch.”

“You’re so dumb oh my god it was just a hashtag joke??”

“This is why you have no followers on ALgram and Tweety.”

Jaehyun realised they sounded like strange parodies of Instagram and Twitter, like Abercombie & Bitch or Supergay instead of Abercombie & Fitch and Superdry.

“Um. Those were parodies? Of Instagram? And Twitter?”

“No. You know, we have a separate network from those humans above. ALgram stands for Afterlifegram and Tweety is just Taeyong and Doyoung being extremely uncreative with naming. Don’t read too much into it. Oh yeah I almost forgot to pass you your phone.”

Mark pulled a phone (that looked very familiar to the latest iPhone X that came out) and passed it to Jaehyun.

"You can do all sorts of shit on your phone. Lucas, Doyoung and I are listed as emergency contacts. Also, this has a battery that never runs out. Cool shit, because I overuse it too much. Oh yeah. Go to the app that says Mark's welcome greeting."

Jaehyun navigated his phone (which seemed preset for him) and clicked on the app. There was a single button in the centre with the capital F on.

"Ok now press F to pay respects."

Doyoung, whom was currently drinking something that looked like a Tom Collins (complete with a plastic umbrella), spat his drink out. Lucas slammed the granite bar countertop with his fist, choking on laughter.

(Why were there bars everywhere?)

Jaehyun himself almost screamed when Mark told him to press F, but he did so anyway and wow, what the hell, a hologram of a casket labelled "hopes and dreams" appeared and a chorus of voices sang the word _Respect_ in cursive, if that was even possible.

"Cool beans right? I made that in my free time. I'm just playin' lol. My welcome gift is in your gallery."

Jaehyun cautiously pressed the gallery icon on his phone and instead of the beast or monster that he had honestly been expecting, it was about three hundred photos of a smiling boy.

Lucas, instead of slamming his fist on the countertop, slammed his face onto the countertop. Doyoung sipped on his cocktail, exuding BDBNSE (Big Disappointed But Not Surprised Energy).

"Look at him. Isn't he brilliant? He is such an angel. I love him so much. Everyone should have photos of Donghyuck, 'kay? Let this ray of sunshine bless your lives."

"LOL kill me it'll be less painful."

"LOL Lucas same haha fattest mood ever!"

"Haha Doyoung you talking in hype speech makes me suffer less than Mark gushing about Donghyuck! I hope that provides context, Jaehyun, because Mark cannot stop talking about Donghyuck! Falalalala! I am deaf!"

Jaehyun looked down at the photos of the boy. He honestly wasn't bad looking, and yes, he would admit that his smile was indeed radiant, but it was a bit creepy that he had three hundred photos of this man he barely knew in his phone. His hand gravitated to the delete all button but Mark was staring daggers at him so he quickly put his hand down.

"Haha Mark...these are wonderful photos of...Dinghock."

"It's Donghyuck, and I don't know how you would have fucked his name up that much, but yes, continue,"

"And I'm sure he's a wonderful boy."

Mark broke out into a smile almost as radiant as the one the boy in the picture was flashing and wow, Jaehyun's heart hurted, because even in the afterlife, he had to be reminded of his exceptionally single status? Time to NEVER update his relationship status on Facefook.

Lucas recovered from the traumatising ordeal and sat up straight on his bar stool.

"Since Mark started the ball rolling with the welcome gift, here's mine."

Lucas tossed a package towards Jaehyun's direction. Jaehyun, although already in the afterlife, was still weak as shit and thus flew to the ground together with the heavy package.

"Oh fuck, did I kill him? Did he die?"

Doyoung smashed a soju bottle over Lucas' head.

"No you dimwit, you can't die in the afterlife. Look! You're perfectly fine after getting a concussion worthy hit from me."

"THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR DOYOUNG? IT STILL HURTS LIKE A BITCH?"

"Yeah but my point was that you couldn't die, Lucas."

Jaehyun was now freely laughing, his laughter spilling out in waves. It was contagious, he found, as Doyoung, Lucas and Mark all started laughing along with him.

"STOP LAUGHING -W H E E Z E- YOU FUCKER I CAN'T BREATHE."

"SHUT UP MARK YOUR- I'M ACTUALLY DYING OH MY GODDDDDDDDD- LAUGHTER IS OBNOXIOUS AND- HAHAHAHAHAHA SHIT I WANNA DIE- LOUD AND YOUR WHEEZING IS FUCKING UNNECESSARY."

"FUCK OFF- LUCAS-"

"SHUT UP BITCHES I JUST WANT- A DRINK-"

"DOYOUNG," Mark began, "STOP DRINKING SO MUCH. YOUR- FUCK HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA STOP LAUGHING JAEHYUN SHUT UP HAHAHAH WHAT THE FUCK- DOYOUNG YOUR- HAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK JAEHYUN SHUT THE FUCKK UP WHY DO YOU SOUND SO UGLY WHEN YOU LAUGH BITCH I'M CHOKING-"

And yeah, holy shit, Mark really was choking on nothing but air and Doyoung had to half-heartedly perform the heimlich maneuver on him (even though you couldn't die) to release him from the suffering of choking on air.

Lucas was laughing because of Mark's idiocy and Jaehyun's laughter that really was contagious. It was like a disease, he swore.

After three beakers of ethanol in Doyoung's system and ten smacks on Jaehyun's back (administered by Lucas, who was laughing too hard to smack properly so he just sent Jaehyun flying (again)), everyone calmed down and caught their breath.

"Damn, you really are a breath of fresh air, Jaehyun. Before you came, I only had Lucas who thought he was funny and Mark who's humour is extremely indecipherable."

Doyoung looked at him with a pleased expression, hand curling around what seemed like the fifth shotglass of vodka he had consumed today (or this time. Jaehyun wasn't exactly clear on how time ran in hell.) and using his free hand to pat Jaehyun's soft brown locks.

Although he could hear Lucas screaming "FUCK YOU DOYOUNG, I AM FUNNY YOU'RE JUST A COWARD AND WON'T ADMIT IT," and Mark refuting Doyoung's statement with an equally heated "YOU HAVE A SHIT SENSE OF HUMOUR DOYOUNG, STOP INSULTING MY WONDERFUL SENSE OF HUMOUR," in the background, all Jaehyun could think about was the pounding in his heart-

and wait-

was he actually infatuated with Satan? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY FUCCCKKKK NCT DREAM CAME BACKKKK BITCHHH IM FUCKIN G DEAD D DD D D D LIKE WTFT F F F ALSO DRIPPIN GOT ME WISHIN I WAS JARED, 19


	3. Doyoung's (interrupted) House Tour: part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how the fuck did boomerang by jojo siwa get 593 million views

"Open my present, dude."

The thrown present was still by Jaehyun’s side, so he cautiously unwrapped the obnoxiously sparkly bow tied haphazardly around the box.

Once he lifted the cover, a boombox immediately started blaring just the loudest and most bass boosted version of Boomerang by Jojo Siwa.

“Lucas, what the fuck is this?”

“TTYL later, Doyoung! I have a concert to present!”

A pink sparkly stage rose from NOWHERE, with a pink microphone placed at the center, complete with a stand and a bow.

“GETTIN! LIT!”

Mark covered his eyes with his hands.

“I’m so fucking embarrassed.”

Doyoung picked 100% noise cancelling earplugs out of thin air and placed them in his ears.

“Now, I’m ready for this concert.”

Lucas got onto the stage and screamed a “Shout out to my bro Jaehyun, happy arrival day!!!” into the micrphone.

Jaehyun slid behind Mark and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Does he do this everytime?”

“Well, he arrived before I did so when I came, I was given an arrival gift by him as well.”

“What was it?”

“He sang Sweatshirt by Jacob Souptoris...I can’t even start to tell you the ways I contemplated dying by that day...”

Jaehyun’s mouth formed an ‘O’ as he said his condolences.

“You know Jaehyun, sometimes I stil can hear that final verse splitting my eardurm into three pieces.”

“A one! A two! A one! Two! Three!"

Doyoung dragged a barstool out from the bar and started sipping what looked like an Amaretto Sour, ear plugs still in. He took out what looked like a full bottle of amaretto, poured a little bit into his cocktail, put his cocktail down, then started drinking the amaretto straight out of the bottle.

"DOYOUNG OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK-"

"Let him be, Jaehyun. Anyway. Eyes on the concert and ears hopefully still intact by the end of this."

"I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY SAY, I'MMA COME BACK LIKE A BOOMERANG. WON'T LET THE HATERS GET THEIR WAY, I'MMA COME BACK LIKE A BOOMERANG."

"M-mark, i-is this Boomerang by Jojo Siwa?"

"I guess so? How did he outdo the Sweatshirt song with just two lyrics? I need a drink."

"SHOUTOUT TO ALL THOSE BULLIED KIDS OUT THERE! Y'ALL GONNA COME BACK LIKE A BOOMERANG! THIS IS LULU WITH THE BOWBOW!"

Jaehyun saw Mark waltz over to Doyoung's side to pull out a bottle of something that would probably result in a tongue implant and waltz back by his side.

"Spirytus Rektyfikowany. 96% ABV. Doyoung won't let me have his oversaturated ethanol concentrate."

Mark popped the cap and chugged half the bottle down in one go. His eyes flew open and Jaehyun swore he saw all the veins in the boy's neck bulge.

"Dude, is that safe?"

"Anything that knocks me the fuck out so I don't have to listen to that."

Mark pointed an accusatory finger at the sparkly stage, or more specifically, the dumb bitch prancing around singing Boomerang loudly and horribly on the sparkly stage to show Jaehyun exactly what he wanted to get blackout drunk for. He turned around to tell Jaehyun, "Unfortunately, alcohol tolerance in hell is basically unlimited so this won’t kill me," before turning back to the stage to yell angry hate speech at Lucas.

“Doyoung’s Lululemon leggings are the superior Lulu fuck you bitch!”

Lucas looked extremely offended by that statement and paused his concert to place an offended palm against his offended chest.

"I am the ONLY Lulu in this town, but I won't let this get me down. Ooh, ooh, whoa, ah. Ooh, ooh, whoa, ah. Ooh, ooh, whoa, ah, I'mma come back like a boomerang. Ooh, ooh, whoa, ah. Ooh, ooh, whoa, ah. Ooh, ooh, whoa, ah, I'mma, I'mma come back."

Mark was on the floor, clutching his bottle of Spirytus Rektyfikowany, trying not to cry. What exactly did he do in his past life to deserve this torture?

"They can keep talking their talk, but I'mma keep walking my walk. And I won't hear a sound."

Jaehyun could only wish that he wouldn't hear a sound. He pressed his hands against his ears, wishing himself to end up like Mark. Doyoung looked empathetically at Jaehyun and pulled out the stool beside him, motioning for Jaehyun to join him at the bar.

Wow, that was hot. His wristbones were prominent, his mid-sleeve turtleneck offering Views of the veins of his pale arm. Jaehyun started to say something but then Doyoung pointed to his ears and the earplugs stuffed in and signed to him that he couldn't hear.

How lucky.

"Yeah, they're just trying to see, if they can get the best of me. Well, not this time around."

Lucas did a little twirl. Mark dragged out the stool on the other side of Doyoung and took a seat as well.

"Talk to the phone, like they're all alone. Hide behind the screen, 'cause they're just so mean. But we don't play it like that. We don't even fight back!"

Jaehyun cringed so hard he knew eating a lemon whole would never make his face shrivel up like Lucas could.

"Stop singing...please...it's not good..." Mark slumped over the bar, already dying and looking one second away from stabbing his eardrums out with the ice chisel in the ice bucket.

"All of the boys, they just brush it off. Saying we're fake, yeah, no, we're not. Trying to throw us off track, but we know how to come back!"

"I can't come back from this...end my suffering..." Mark was almost through his bottle.

Jaehyun's eye twitched. Badly. His ear's blood vessels were quaking and vasodilating at an unhealthy rate. They were really going to burst at this rate.

At this critical moment, the ceiling peeled open like a paper wrapping and deposited a single being into the “concert hall”.

Jaehyun identified him as the greekboo that dropped him here in the first place.

Doyoung’s eyes widened comically and Mark was whispering “finally...finally” like a person that barely escaped death seeing a ray of light.

Jungwoo’s wings (which Jaehyun didn’t notice the first time he saw him) were folded neatly behind his back, one jet black and the other pure white. He had hands on his hips and an irritated expression on his face, looking at Lucas’ dumb ass.

“Lucas you better fucking stop this fucking around right now I can hear you from Level Zero you better stop this I’m going to break up with you if you do this everytime someone comes here-“

Lucas pouted. Like he Pouted with those lips upturned and eyes all sad and all.

"S-stop fucking pouting DUMB BITCH!"

"J-jungwoo...I'm sorry..."

"STOP LOOKING SO SORRY AND CUTE???? I'M GONNA NEED TO KISS YOU SIR STOP THIS TOMFOOLERY."

"I wouldn't mind getting kissed by you, you know. I don't see you often, I had to do something drastic for you to work half-time to see me-"

"This is so dumb. All you gotta do is ask me, I've worked enough sessions for Jeno anyway, he could always let me go-"

"Workaholic, I can't believe it took me, your boyfriend, a sparkly stage and a shitty cover of Boomerang for you to finally notice me."

"Dumb piece of shit, I have eyes everywhere, but my own only saved for you."

"Let's go somewhere?"

"Yes you fucking asshead it's been thirty nine days since you fucking took me out on a date let's gO."

Lucas made the stage disappear and finally, FUCKING FINALLY, the bass boosted instrumental of Boomerang went as well. Lucas shrugged and waved, and poof, both of them were gone, just like that.

Jaehyun was stumped at this turn of events. What taiwanese drama was this from? Why did this feel like some kind of drastic plot twist? What did he miss?

Doyoung, clearly interested, removed his earplugs and leant towards Jaehyun, head resting on his shoulder, ready to adsorb all the juicy gossip from this scene.

"Where did they go?"

"O-on a date."

"Oh. That's nice. Much better than having to sit through one more second of that song."

Yeah, no. This was dangerous. Jaehyun's face was getting really red, and Mark's slightly cloudy mind and dumb smile on his face with his camera out was not going to end well. His phone dinged and he jerked upright, with Doyoung slinking his head away from his shoulder.

Not gonna lie, he was pretty disappointed with the lack of warmth and black hair tickling his shoulders.

_meghanmarklee: I'll send you the video later lol you look so fking smitten can you hide it lmaooooo_   
_jaehyun: SHUT UP_   
_jaehyun: also wtf your display name sucks don't taint the royals like this_   
_meghanmarklee: doyoung's forever alone you could help him escape this single life he keeps complaining about!_   
_meghanmarklee: and my display name's CREATIVE unlike your sucky shitty name_   
_jaehyun: ?????? when did I attack you ?????_   
_meghanmarklee: what EVER go get him tiger_

Mark winked at him behind Doyoung's back and got back to nursing his new flute of a considerably tamer drink of sparkling grape juice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao look who's back lmao im dying bc exams r in a week lmao alright enjoy this shit idk also boomerang by w1 is cancelled,, it flopped,,, queen jojo coming for our wigs... also she's 15 and 175cm lmao im such a fucking midget aight bye


	4. Doyoung Dreams Dreams Discussing Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alcoholism is bad and markhyuck is life

"M-my house tour..." Doyoung trailed off.

 

Lucas was gone, and Mark was on his phone facetiming someone, half giggling, half looking drunk as shit from that bottle of alcohol he consumed.

 

So yeah, Jaehyun was the only sane one sober enough to form a conversation with Doyoung, and it did seem that Doyoung's alcohol tolerance was inhuman (and honestly indemon as well because if he fed that shit to idk, Cerberus or some shit he bet that dog would be dead in seconds) so he was able to form sentences that sounded coherent enough.

 

"Mark. Marrrk. You're drunk out of your mind." An unfamiliar voice blared out of Mark's phone speakers.

 

"But baby, you're just soooo, um. Pretty. All I want is to keep you warm and safe and happyyyy."

 

Mark was clearly slurring his words, and even though you couldn't get blackout drunk or wasted in the afterlife, Jaehyun supposed you could still get drunk, or maybe Mark was just a pathetic lightweight. Mark was also smiling really widely which was strange because Jaehyun had only seen Mark donning either a) an apathetic expression or b) I wanna die lol expression on his face.

 

(Wait no he wasn't a lightweight he literally chugged half a bottle of 96% ABV shit in 5 seconds.)

 

A laugh crackled out from the speakers, high pitched and bubbly.

 

"Visit me in heaven."

 

"Oh lmaoOooooo....we know how your boss feels about thaTTt...."

 

"Taeyong doesn't give two shits."

 

"Come down to hell....Doyoung's a coooooooool person....Lucas went off on a date.....yeah... DATE..Hyuck...let's go on a date...will you be my boyfriend?"

 

"I already am!" More high pitched squealing.

 

"No way was I this lucky to score an angel like you...you must be lyinnnnng...why the fuck you lyinnngg?"

 

"Mark we've been dating for 1 millenium!"

 

"SHUT Up I GREW UP UNPRIVILEGED & siNGle...."

 

"My ass, Mark Lee. You're drunk out of your mind. I'm coming to hell I guess. Taeil can always sing on my behalf!"

 

Doyoung snapped out of his staring-into-space stupor and dropped his wine glass.

 

"Mark...is your boyfriend Donghyuck staying over..."

 

Mark gave Doyoung the biggest grin ever and said, "YUP!"

 

Doyoung did the Biggest Sigh Ever and held his head in his hands.

 

"Fuck me upside down."

 

* * *

 

 

So the problem didn't lie within Mark Lee. It lay within this strange, hyperactive, overly loud angel-demon spawn called Lee Donghyuck.

 

And clearly, this scenario has played out many times. Usually resulting in Doyoung contributing to the environmental problem by mass producing non-recyclable, non-degradable, and ugly-looking neon yellow 100% noice cancelling earplugs.

 

Doyoung dragged Jaehyun by the collar and whispered his displeasure like it was a state secret. (HINT: It wasn't.)

 

"You won't fucking believe how noisy this boy gets. I don't see why he can’t understand the meaning of stfu.”

 

“Haha...that’s cool. How did they meet?”

 

Doyoung put his wineglass down.

 

“They- well, honestly, this isn’t the first time they’ve met.”

 

“Does it have something to do with their past lives?”

 

“Look, you didn’t hear this from me okay? I’m pretty sure Mark knows why he’s here but he always pretends he doesn’t and I don’t understand either but-“

 

“He knows?”

 

“Yeah. I think he does.”

 

“Then why don’t I-“

 

“I suppose memory doesn’t come well to all of us. Me included, of course. I don’t remember anything other than being here.”

 

“Must have been lonely.”

 

“Yeah. It was. Anyway, Mark’s here because he died in a car accident.”

 

“Then shouldn’t tons of people be here?”

 

“Well that’s not the point, is it. He died and left Donghyuck alone.”

 

“So they knew each other?”

 

“Yeah. They did. Donghyuck was colourblind, and Mark was kinda his eyes, you know? So him leaving like that, it really affected Donghyuck. It was like taking away the colour in his life, you know? So yeah. That’s why he’s here, and that’s probably why he’s so attached to Donghyuck here.”

 

“What about Lucas? And what about me?”

 

“Lucas’...is not for me to say. I am in no place to say it, so if you would like to find out I suggest asking Lucas himself. As for you, I’m sorry. I don’t know.”

 

“Ah.”

 

Jaehyun tried his best not to look disappointed. It was fine, wasn’t it? It was only his first day in hell. He had millenniums to find out.

 

“We all find out eventually. Not from me, of course, but maybe some innate part of you will tell you the answer? I don’t know why Mark’s hiding his and I’m pretty sure Donghyuck already knows- this is what they call soul linkage, I guess. Your answer is not with me and my answer isn’t with me either.”

 

“Aren’t you ever curious? Why you don’t know why you’re here?”

 

“Of course I’m curious, and I’m sure all I have to do to find out is seek Taeyong out- but that’s no fun, is it? When you’re dead there are so many things you don’t need to do and days of boredom hit pretty hard sometimes. It’s good to have something to actively seek out.”

 

Jaehyun hummed in agreement. He had only been here for one day and didn’t know how his afterlife would play out- would he be reborn? Would he stay here forever?

 

There were so many unknowns.

 

He looked at Mark and Donghyuck wistfully.

 

He wished he had a constant.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> assss you ken see...i’ve sneakily placed a ref to my otherr markhyuck fic....read it......  
> im just kidding this is to repair some of the pain kkkkkkkk i am inhaling dumb bitch air


	5. Donghyuck Dplease Dshut Dup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> regular by nct 12$even threw money at me and called me poor

  
Jaehyun’s a fast learner. At least, he likes to think he’s a fast learner.

He learns fast that Donghyuck is the noisiest boy, dead or alive, and that Mark is probably deaf because he just sits there smiling and looking at Donghyuck as if he were a radiant god instead of clawing at his eyeballs like Doyoung.

(Doyoung’s was the appropriate response.)

“Mark MaRK MARK MARK MARK!!!!! DID I TELL YOU HOW NICE YOUR HOUSE IS!!!! THIS IS HELL AND IT’S COLD IT’S WONDERFUL!!!!! TAEYONG NEVER LETS US TURN THE AIR CONDITIONING LOWER THAN TWENTY FIVE BECAUSE APPARENTLY IT ISN’T GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT OR WHATEVER!!!!!! BUT HONESTLY I’M SWEATING IN THESE FREAKING CLOTHES LIKE IS TAEYONG A REFRIGERATOR!!!!! I LOVE FEELING LIKE AN ICE CUBE!!!! AND THE OTHER DAY YOU KNOW JAEMIN, JAEMIN THE FLUFFY CLOUD ANGEL WITH THE COTTON CANDY PINK HAIR, YES THAT JAEMIN JAEMIN GOT TOGETHER WITH JENO! YES JENO THE JUDGEMENT ANGEL!!!!!!!!”

(“Doyoung.”

“Yes?”

“Can that boy speak in a volume lower than capital letters?”

“I don't think so, Jaehyun.”)

“Yes sunshine, I know about Nana’s love story, you told it to me last week.”

“NANA AND NONO ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER.”

“That’s cute, sunshine.”

Doyoung was practically shaking Jaehyun by the shoulders gagging at how Mark was practically spouting sugar right from his mouth. He grabbed Jaehyun's wrist and pulled him out of the lobby and into one of the lifts.

"C'mon, these people are ruining the house tour fun. I'll bring you on a personal tour."

Jaehyun almost exploded but he managed to maintain a straight face to accept Doyoung’s offer.

In the elevator, there weren’t any buttons. Just a touchpad and a calculator.

“Uh, what’s the calculator for?”

“There’s no school in hell, so you can solve the equations for a special surprise floor.”

“What on earth-“

“Anyway. Let’s start with your room?”

“Yeah. That’d be nice.”

Doyoung keysmashed into the touchpad, stringing an alarming number of numbers together and pressing the down button.

“We go down.”

“Why not we go up?”

* * *

  
**AD BREAK**   
_Have you been feeling a little down? Have you been disappointed in humanity and its lack of quality music? Have you watched Boomerang by Jojo Siwa and questioned life after seeing its view count? Wait no further! Stream We Go Up by NCT Dream today! Side effects of streaming We Go Up include amplified happiness, shortness of breath (because NCT Dream takes your breath away), and recovery from NCT 12$even flexing on you through Regular. Stream We Go Up for free, yes, absolutely no cost, at www.youtube.com TODAY! What are you waiting for?_

* * *

 

“Because we’re sinners and we only go down. I’m just kidding. Mainly because Taeyong won’t let me build into his holy space above, and Jungwoo will kill me if construction noises disturb the ongoings at Level Zero.”

“Ah.”

“Hang tight.”

The elevator lurched and plummeted at the speed of light. Jaehyun could figuratively feel his soul leaving his body and dissipate into the atmosphere.

Doyoung, however, was leaning casually on the rails, one hand holding his phone and the other stuffed into his pocket. Jaehyun was clinging onto the rails for his dear life, for he feared that if he let go he might just be flung into the ceiling of the lift.

After what seemed like forever, the lift slammed to a stop, tossing Jaehyun like a ragdoll out of its opened doors.

“Welcome to level -383838483. There’s no particular reason for these numbers, I just enjoy looking like I know what I'm doing. Mark, Lucas and I all stay here."

It wasn't like a level of hotel rooms. It looked like a high end residential area. The ceilings for the level were so high Jaehyun couldn't see them, he could hardly tell he was 383838483 levels underground. This looked like a penthouse level, with 4 penthouses with floor-to-ceiling glass windows neatly arranged next to each other. Doyoung led him to the one furthest from the lift, and pushed him through the door.

Holy shit.

"This is madness, how much did this cost?"

"Everything's free in hell, also, I'm your neighbour." Doyoung pointed to the penthouse beside Jaehyun's. The interior was also much more well decorated than the barren space Jaehyun had, from what he could see through the glass windows.

"How do I uh, get furniture?"

"Ask for it."

"What?"

"Can I get a curved 150 inch television please?"

The television materialised immediately in front of Jaehyun's eyes.

"Wow."

"Yeah, pretty cool right?"

Jaehyun exhaled sharply. Doyoung gave him a coy smile and nudged his shoulder.

"Your jaw is hanging. Let's go."

Doyoung showed him the kitchen, the toilets and the rooms that Jaehyun probably he didn't so many of. When Jaehyun looked out of his back-facing master bedroom window, he saw 4 king-sized beds huddled together under a gigantic gazebo with glass panelling.

"Uh, Doyoung, what's that?"

"Ah! We got a bed for you there! That's where we have weekly cuddle sessions where we invite Jungwoo and Hyuck over and have a great big congregation. We gossip and talk shit about people because we love slander."

"That's cute, when's the next one?"

"Tomorrow, I think."

Doyoung looked at him with a sparkle in his eye.

"You'll come, right?"

Jaehyun was a weak man, and weak men don't say no to demons offering a sleepover.

"Yeah. I'll come."

"Great!"

But then again, demons don't remind Jaehyun of the Fuji Shibazakura Flower Festival in Japan, endless, colourful, flowery, everything beautiful-

They don't remind Jaehyun of the Northern Lights in Iceland, magnificent, a natural wonder, a marvel-

Their smiles don't make Jaehyun waver, they don't make his heart pound out of his chest cavity, they don't give him a personalised house tour-

Yeah. Jaehyun was a weak man, but only for Doyoung. He'd make exceptions for Doyoung.

* * *

  
**meghanmarklee: hey jaehyun r u enjoying your spicie alone time with dongs ;)**   
**jaehyun: stfu alcoholic baby**   
**meghanmarklee: this is so sad alexa play we go up**   
**jaehyun: what about you and your sunshine**   
**meghanmarklee: in my room**   
**jaehyun: mark, that's too spicie for your age**   
**meghanmarklee: we're playing wii tennis**   
**jaehyun: yall should be watching billionsurprisetoys**   
**meghanmarklee: shut the fuck up I'm not into johnny johnny yes papa**   
**meghanmarklee: your meme game is weak af**   
**jaehyun: who the fuck even says meme game anymore**   
**jaehyun: mark you're old**   
**meghanmarklee: you literally just told me to watch a demonic kid's nursery song channel don't play this game with me**

* * *

 

"Who are you texting?"

"Mark."

"What's he doing right now?"

"Playing Wii Tennis with Donghyuck."

Doyoung made a face, pulling out his own phone. He scrolled through his applications, landing on ALgram.

"Look, Mark just posted on his private."

Now it was Jaehyun's turn to make a face. It was a photo of legs interwined under thick sheets with a caption a 2008 white Tumblr girl would have approved of.

_whiteboardmarker: evenings with @h_yuck,, you're prettier than the sunset baby_

"What the FUCK is that, oh my god he's whiteboardmarker he REJECTED my follow request just now, he can't do me this dirty-"

"Wait you made your ALgram account already? F4F L4L C4C???"

"What the fuck, Doyoung."

But Jaehyun was a WEAK MAN and did so anyways, trying not to thr0w his phone out the window after scrolling through Doyoung's feed.

* * *

  
**jaehyun: mark lee you fucking liar you aint playing WII TENNIS**   
**meghanmarklee: what**   
**jaehyun: why are you CUDDLING with your bf in your BED**   
**meghanmarklee: brb**

* * *

 

**cool B) boys B)**

**meghanmarklee: which one of you fuckers**   
**yakhei: what**   
**doughyoung: yes**   
**meghanmarklee: which one of you fuckers showed jaehyun my post**   
**yakhei: doyoung**   
**doughyoung: for ffuck's sake lucas**   
**meghanmarklee: your ass is fucking busted**   
**doughyoung: come and fight me if you dare**   
**yakhei: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT**   
**doughyoung: anyways shouldnt we add jaehyun to our cool boy squad**   
**yakhei: time to detach my retina, doyoung just said we were the cool boy squad**   
**meghanmarklee: dont change the subject doyoung**   
**yakhei: dude chill lol**

**doughyoung added jaehyun**

**meghanmarklee: fuck yak lives**   
**yakhei: what did YAKS ever do to you**   
**doughyoung: I'm sorry mark doesn't usually show this side of him**   
**jaehyun: what the fuck**   
**meghanmarklee: is this another one of your deflection strategies**   
**meghanmarklee: okay I'll fight you another day hyuck says he wants a cuddle :(**   
**doughyoung: WEAK**   
**yakhei: WEAK**   
**jaehyun: WEAK**   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive been thinking about this so im not advocating sinning more so you can go to hell and have cool things im sure hell is a terrible place so please do good things and go to good places okay!!!


	6. Doyoung Dwants Dto Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doyoung is unnervingly happy and everyone's fucking scared.

Doyoung strung up fairy lights around the perimeter of the pavilions as he hummed a merry tune.

“Doyoung I swear to Taeyong if you don’t stop humming joy to the world I’ll fucking sock you in the face.”

“But I’m exceptionally happy today!”

Mark stared at Doyoung with a disgusted expression as he hung up the repulsively bright fairy lights on the other side of the pavillion.

“And why is that so?”

“Because I have all of you with me today!”

Lucas snorted and almost fell off his bed, choking on his apple as he did so. Jungwoo used one of his angel wings to beat the living fuck out of Lucas’ back, causing the apple piece to fly out of his mouth and hit Doyoung in the face.

“Oh heavens Doyoung, I didn’t mean to do that! It’s just that Lucas here-“

“Oh Jungwoo, I understand. Lucas dear, are you alright?”

“You’re not right today, Doyoung.”

“Lucas! I’m so right today! I’m so excited for our sleepover!”

Lucas sunk his face into Jungwoo’s chest, silently screaming pleas for help as he did so.

Once Doyoung was done with his side of the pavillion, he hopped over to where Jaehyun was currently pulling more blankets and pillows from bottomless tupperware containers with Donghyuck.

“Ah! You’re all doing so well my sweethearts!”

Donghyuck leant into Jaehyun’s ear and whispered, “I don’t ever think I’ve ever, in the history of me knowing this man seen him use so many exclamation marks in one sentence. How much did he drink today and what did he drink because I want whatever he’s having.”

Jaehyun made a pained expression (partially from the weight of the blankets and partially because he’s only been here for two days and he’s never ever seen Doyoung smile that brilliantly and wow he is so beautiful stunning wonderous never done before he is Suffering because of his perfection) and thought about Doyoung’s alcohol intake for the day.

“Fuck, Donghyuck. Slap me silly if I’m wrong, but I think he hasn’t had a single drop of alcohol today.”

“Okay.” And Donghyuck slapped him.

"OUCH what the fuck was that for??"

"You told me to slap you if you were wrong, and you are."

"He's only drunk mineral water today, I swear."

And as if he was proving Jaehyun's point, Doyoung took out a Fiji water bottle, unscrewed it and gulped the contents of the bottle down.

"That could be tequila in the bottle for all I know."

“Uh, why don’t you ask him yourself if you’re so skeptical?”

Donghyuck marched over to Doyoung and snatched the bottle out of Doyoung’s hands.

“What was that for-“

He then proceeded to cautiously drink the contents of the bottle.

“Hyuck baby no that could be his 130% abv demon juice you could die-“

Donghyuck dropped the bottle after one sip.

“HYUCK BABY ARE YOU ALRIGHT-“

Mark dropped his fairy lights and ran straight to Donghyuck, who looked visibly shaken.

“I-I- M-mark, J-Jaehyun.”

“HYUCK I KNEW IT WAS ALCO-“

“I-It was plain w-water. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO DOYOUNG-“ Donghyuck flew to Doyoung’s side, grabbing his shoulders and shaking them violently.

Doyoung smiled brightly and replied cheerily.

“I’m just Doyoung!”

“NO DOYOUNG ONLY DRINKS SPIKED SHIT I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM CONSUME WATER IN 145 YEARS.”

“I’m telling you, Donghyuck, I really am drinking water. Isn’t that normal?”

“IT’S NOT NORMAL, I’VE BEEN WITH MARK AND KNOWN YOU FOR ONLY 145 YEARS AND I’VE NEVER FUCKING SEEN YOU DRINK EVEN A DROP OF WATER-“

“Donghyuck, I appreciate your massive concern, but I have decided to make a change in my lifestyle for the better.”

“Doyoung are you fucking pregnant-“

“NO I’M NOT PREGNANT WHAT THE FLIP?”

“Then why...I don’t understand...also...tell me my ears are playing games on me...but did Doyoung just say...flip...life is meaningless.”

“I need to cleanse my diet. I have come to realise that drowning my problems in alcohol is not how I want to live my life. I must live earnestly and sober and learn to face my problems head-on because I have great aspirations that cannot wait for the drunken me to loudly proclaim to no one.”

Mark’s expression changed from being scared for Donghyuck to being confused then rapidly being worried for Doyoung.

“Do-“

“No, Mark. I had a heart to heart with a special someone. He made me understand-“

Jaehyun’s heart twisted uncomfortably.

“Was it Jeno?”

Jaehyun’s heart untwisted a little, because he had overhead Donghyuck and Mark gossiping about Jeno and someone called Jaemin going on dates together.

“Yes, it was Jeno. Jeno my sweet little angel, my sugarpie-“

“Ok I finally understand a LITTLE bit because Jeno’s literally your precious but like, you giving up your oxygen is so fucking strange? Like you’ve met Jeno a million times but I still see you drinking ethanol like water after you return from Level Zero?”

“Jeno said it was bad for my health :(“

“Yeah a) how the fuck would it not be b) why do you bother you can’t die and c) how did you say sadface??”

“Well ;( Jeno :D my sweet <3 said it was getting bad >:( and he was concerned ):/ and I felt guilty :”( and I’m self aware >:>”

Jaehyun was pretty sure busted a lung whilst UWUing at Doyoung. Not his proudest Bust, but Doyoung was cute enough for all his lung punctures.

Mark nudged Lucas in the rib.

“This is getting really weird really fast. I’ll hold him down. Grab some tequila or amaretto or something to pour into his mouth.”

“Deal. This has to end. I’ll go get some alcohol from the bar downstairs.”

“No Lucas, that’ll take too long. Look underneath his bed here. There should be at least fifty bottles of his favourite alcohols.”

Lucas snuck away from the small group to lift up the covers on Doyoung’s bed to see below it, and lo and behold, it was indeed littered with bottles of varying sizes and contents.

He grabbed the closest one he could find, giving Mark the signal to pounce on Doyoung.

Once Mark safely pinned him down, Lucas twisted the cap of the bottle off and poured the contents into Doyoung’s open mouth.

They waited with baited breath. One, two.

Doyoung swallowed the mixture. His eyelids fluttered.

“What the fuck, where am I...”

Mark slapped him once.

“Fuck off Mark what are you doing..?”

“HE’S BACK.”

"Ugh dude my head hurts like fuck have I not been drinking?"

Mark yelped and threw his arms around Doyoung.

"I have never been more thankful for your alcoholic tendencies, old man!"

Doyoung rubbed his temples vigourously.

"What happened?"

"You were drinking plain water from a Fiji bottle."

"Ew what the fuck Fiji water tastes like ass."

"You also made a grand speech about how you would quit alcohol for the sake of your health and your beloved Jeno." Lucas chipped in.

"What in the actual fuck. I mean like. I love Jeno but. No."

"You were also acting suspiciously nice to all of us."

"Oh fuck no man, you guys don’t deserve my compassion.”

“Exa-actly.” Lucas slurred his words for emphasis.

Trying his best to remember what he was doing before he was replaced by Compassionate and Anti-Alcoholic Doyoung, he replenished the lost fluids in his system with more alcohol.

“Ah,” Doyoung starts thinking hard, “I went to Heaven to deal with the issues I had with Taeyong. He offered me a glass of Tequila and I accepted it...and then I blacked out HOLY FUCK IT WAS TAEYONG HE SPIKED MY TEQUILA-“

Donghyuck suddenly pipes up.

“Hey, if your reaction was that adverse, he probably didn’t only spike your drink. He probably gave you like, holy water or summ.”

“Holy shit, you might be right. I’m going to fucking Heaven right fucking now. Taeyong’s going to die at my feet today.”

“Hey hey Doyoung don’t actually go kill him oh my god-“ Jaehyun suddenly said, appalled at how fast everything was escalating.

Jungwoo sighed and tapped on Jaehyun’s shoulder.

“It’s a figure of speech. This is probably the 5 millionth time I’ve heard him threaten Taeyong’s life and I’m not even living around him.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t worry. You’re new, don’t blame you. That was me about 400 years ago. Before I dated Lucas. You’ll learn along the way. Doyoung’s a good guy.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Jungwoo tilted his head to the side, surveying Jaehyun’s face.

“You look like you’re harbouring a gigantic crush on Doyoung.”

“WOW. STRAIGHTFORWARD. QUESTION. HA HA. I MEAN. NO. HA HA.”

“You suck at lying. Anyway, I’m not here to discourage you from going for it. Doyoung’s pretty and single. And Very Alone. He doesn’t show it but I bet he’s lonely. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, Jaehyun.”

“Lmao like what kind of shots like the SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS kind of shots or the slim ass motherfucking chance that such an ethereal being would be interested in me?”

“You sound exactly like Doyoung, go and fuck yourself. But yeah. Anyways. Doyoung looks like he’s ready to ride the elevator up to Heaven. Care to follow?”

Jaehyun looks at Doyoung. He was stomping (EXTREMELY CUTELY) extremely angrily towards a glass elevator that materialised out of nowhere.

“Are y’all coming or what?”

Oh my god Taeyong help his soul. Doyoung sounded SO CUTE angry.

“Yeah, we’re coming!” Jungwoo shouts in reply.

Jungwoo raises an eyebrow towards Jaehyun, giving him a knowing smile.

“I’m coming too.”

“Yeh! Don’t worry. I’ll keep your little secret from them. For now. Lucas’ mouth is too damn big for his own good lmao.”

Doyoung impatiently jams his finger into the open door button inside the elevator.

“Are y’all gonna fucking talk all day or are you gonna get in? Taeyong’s going to get it from me, I swear to fucking shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL SO WE PLAYED CHARADES AND MY FRIENDS WERE ALARMINGLY APPALLED AT MY KNOWLEDGE IN MIXOLOGY LOLOLOLOL BRB GETTING: WASTED 
> 
> jk im underage
> 
> also sorry for being the shittest writer of all time like lol
> 
> n. e ways pls dm me on twt i want friends @flwwrhyucks


	7. Taeyong Gets It From Doyoung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> veeery shitty chapter i am sorrry. i love tiktok.

Heaven doesn’t look as cloud-land-like as Jaehyun had imagined it to be. It was, however, exceptionally bright and when the doors of the elevator opened, the light shone right into his eyes and he was temporarily blinded.

Fuck bright light lives.

When all six of them stepped out of the lift, the elevator disappeared, allowing for full view of the vast expanse of Heaven. It was no doubt beautiful, with architectural wonders popping up every half metre or so.

Donghyuck unfolded his wings, shaking them in a way Jaehyun recognised as stretching. He flaps them once, twice, and he’s soaring up into the sky.

Beside him, Mark looks stupid. Stupidly in love. Jaehyun can see heart eyes being made at Donghyuck. Mark’s lips are curving automatically into a smile.

Donghyuck flies back down and lands with all the grace he can muster in front of Mark. Not a lot. He stumbles and his left wing hits Doyoung but he’s too busy being pissed about Taeyong drugging him with that “Fucking Holy Shit” to bother about a wing slap. Mark catches him and twirls him around, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. Jaehyun gags.

Jungwoo unhooks himself from Lucas’ arm and goes over to Jaehyun’s side.

“In Heaven, most people here travel by wings,” he explains, “but I don’t suppose you know how to activate yours yet.”

“I get wings?”

“Yeah! I guess Doyoung hasn’t run you through the basics of living in the afterlife, huh. Hey Doyoungie! Come over!”

Doyoung’s head snapped in their direction so fast Jaehyun was worried he’d get whiplash.

“Yes? And it’s Doyoung to you, happy boy.”

“Teach Jaehyun how to fly!”

“Oh yeah FUCK I forgot.”

“It’s FLIP to you, angsty boy.”

“Shut the FUCK the UP CAN WE PLEASE GO AND FIGHT TAEYONG I PROMISE I’LL TEACH JAEHYUN TO FLY AFTER!”

“He needs to fly now or you can’t go to Taeyong!”

“WELL THEN I’LL FLY HIM THERE! I SAID I’LL DO IT MYSELF!”

Doyoung totally looked like a fussy kid wanting some...milk.

Whilst Jungwoo was (VERY UNSUCCESSFULLY) restraining Doyoung from opening a black hole in heaven, a new figure swooped in and slammed the ground with a golden trident. As if it wasn’t already enough for Jaehyun’s brain to process that he was a) dead and b) working as a higher up in hell. All in one phat day. Jaehyun’s brain short circuited as a result of this and so he said the smartest thing possible in his current state.

“Holy shit, it’s Aquaman.” 

Mark facepalmed so hard he swore he could see a red hand imprint right smack in the middle of his face.

“Jaehyun you fucking idiot that’s not Aquaman, that’s Johnny. One of the three heavenly kings.”

“What are the heavenly kings...?”

Mark sighed deeply.

“Fuck my life.”

“Dude are you not going to explain? He is literally walking towards us did he fucking hear me? Mark I thought you were my bro, turns out you’re just a hoe.”

Mark swallowed thickly and slammed his foot down onto Jaehyun’s toe.

“Shut the fuck up he really is walking over holy shit!”

"OW, THAT HURT???"

Johnny appeared in front of Jaehyun, scaring the fuck out of him because shit, could you die in the afterlife? Because it sure felt like Johnny could blast him into another dimensional by spearing him with his trident.

“Uh, hi, your highness?”

Jaehyun could hear Mark trying his best to live his fantasy of drilling a hole 292983738384940948372629292736383838473783883 kilometres deep so he could get right back into hell and stay there.

Johnny guffawed, slamming his trident multiple times into the cloud concrete.

“You’re funny. I like you. Are you new around here?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Jaehyun surveyed his surroundings and found Doyoung staring daggers at Johnny.

“Your boss looks like he wants to kill me.”

Jaehyun shrugged.

“I do want to kill you.”

“Cool. Taeyong sent me here because he wanted me to check a commotion.”

“FUCK that dude bring me to him I need to sock him in the face once please just once. Just once.”

Johnny cackled.

“Haha. Okay, I guess. No promises that Taeyong’s gonna want to see you though.”

“Fuck you Johnny I’m cutting your pay.”

“First of all, I don’t get paid. Secondly, Doyoung you don’t even give me my pay, if I had one. Also, I agreed to bring you there, so why you still so mad?”

“BECAUSE TAEYONG.”

“What a legitimate reason for my pay to be cut!”

“Fuck you I’m going to find a way to cut your pay.”

“You can go ahead and try. Step on into the cloud lift! We’re going to Taeyong.”

Doyoung gingerly took cautious steps to the cloud formation, not convinced that it would have been that easy to get to Taeyong. Jaehyun and the others followed him onto the platform that looked like it couldn't even hold a fly. 

"Hold on." Johnny called out.

The cloud thing then zapped away at the speed of light. 

"WHERE ARE THE FUCKING HANDRAILS?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP DONGHYUCK YOU CAN FLY I DON'T EVEN HAVE WINGS BITCH!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP JAEHYUN IF I PLUMMET DOWN I'LL DIE ALL THE SAME!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL OF YOU SHOULD I PUNCH TAEYONG IN THE NOSE OR THE GUT FIRST?"

"NOSE, FOR SURE."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP LUCAS DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP WHERE ARE YA'LL PRIVILEGED WINGED FUCKS PRIORITIES AT? I'M LITERALLY GOING TO DIE IF WE KEEP SCUFFLING THIS REALLY BE THE WAY I DIE! THIS IS MY FIRST DAY HERE BITCHHHH FUCKKK WE ARE SO HIGH UP-"

"Skrrt skrrt we pulling up to the Residence's doorstep get out fellas!"

The cloud shook a bit and then disappeared, leaving everyone but Johnny collapsing in a big heap on the ground. Doyoung stood up first, dusting himself off, not bothering to lend a hand to the others still on the floor.

"So glad you decided to pay me a visit!"

A voice unknown to Jaehyun rang out in the air. It was one with a playful lilt to it, which was the polar opposite of Doyoung, who always spoke with such venom.

"Fuck you."

Jaehyun was not supposed to find this hot. But frick, hot it was. The pile detangled itself and formed a small crowd behind Doyoung.

"What did I even do?"

"Taeyong, did you lie to me and tell me that your, um. Holy water was tequila?"

The man smiled brightly.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Doyoungie."

"For fuck's sake DO NOT CALL ME DOYOUNGIE!"

"You're so cute, Doyoungie!"

"I literally am here to kill you with my bare hands, Taeyong."

"Oh please. You've said that 1992292240 times already."

"Well. This time I mean it."

"OOooooh, I'm so scared of your highness."

"Lee, you're gonna fucking regret this. This is the cruellest thing you have done to me so far."

"Come at me then, Kim."

Jaehyun and the others could only look on helplessly as Doyoung materialised a whole ass rail gun, pointing it straight at Taeyong. Taeyong didn't even blink as he formed a triangle with both of his hands, creating a light shield which expanded in ripples.

"Johnny, throw up the barriers. I have a feeling I'll have a lot of fun today." Taeyong said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Fuck you Taeyong, you're gonna get it from me. No more slipping holy water into my tequila PLEASE."

None of the people there looked particularly surprised that Taeyong and Doyoung practically fighting to the death. Even if they weren’t actually fighting to the death, they did a damn good job at pretending they were about to.

“Is this not, um, dangerous?” Jaehyun softly supplied.

“LMAOOO fellas who do you think will tap out first?” Lucas proclaimed, loud enough to drown out Jaehyun.

“Obviously it’s Taeyong. Doyoung did not come to Play, he came to serve Taeyong’s ass to him.”

“Mark, you make it sound like Doyoung’s gonna make Taeyong into a solo human centipede.”

“Donghyuck, was that comment necessary?” Jungwoo exasperatedly added.

"Whatever. Oh shit, Doyoung just slammed him into the ground. Go team!"

"Donghyuck, you're supposed to be on heaven's side."

"You're wrong. The only side I'm on is Mark's side."

Mark turned beetroot red after hearing the sudden confession, appearing visibly flustered.

"Awww baby don't be shy. I'll always be by your side."

Lucas and Jungwoo were busy making gagging actions at them. 

Meanwhile, Taeyong was getting his ass handed to him by Doyoung. He had miscalculated how angry Doyoung would have gotten after his harmless prank of replacing said Tequila with only the strongest and most potent holy water one could find. Johnny shrugged and did absolutely nothing because he had tried his best to convince Taeyong that this prank had more risk than reward so he left Taeyong to his own devices, pulling out his phone to scroll through TokTik for high quality memes. Yes, even in the afterlife, one had TokTik, the best meme server the universe had to provide. Download TokTik for good memes.

When Taeyong weakly tapped out of the fight, Johnny was on his fifth pretty boy swag TokTik and was doubling over in laughter at the aloe vera plant dude. He was also disappointed that the fight ended so quickly because he wanted to scroll through more TokTiks without Taeyong's judgemental eye; plebs like him didn't have his ultimate high level of humour.

Doyoung stood up, extremely happy that Taeyong had Gotten It from him after the holy water fiasco. Jaehyun almost had a fucking heart attack from the way Doyoung had beamed at him after winning the fight. It really be Fuck Jaehyun Lives on days like these, where Doyoung looked radiant as hell.

"Let's go back, comrades!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> help I've fallen for dci and I can't get up. blue devils' 2017 ballad was so sexy. metamorph was sexy in general but the ballad....wow. also michael tran aka the glock/xylo god is now my new number one idol. also my school starts today so i love that for me

**Author's Note:**

> lmao 666 hits 
> 
> hmu on twitter [@tweeter](https://twitter.com/xiaojunsknees)
> 
> lmao i changed it again but i'll have you know my 127 bias is doyoung no matter how much I call donghyuck perfect and the only love of my life
> 
> ps talk to me about donghyuck’s perfection i’ll love you


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